Experiment no. 1

Aim

To find if one can thoughtlessly eat an apple over a distance of 25 kms- between Teynampet and Talambur- while thoroughly enjoying their Sunday morning.

Apparatus required

Apple, hands, mouth, brain.

Theory

There is a general notion that people who travel long distances in autos cannot partake in small bursts of nothingness while eating apples as the route provides several streams of visual stimuli. This in turn leads one to ask bigger, more important questions about life.

Eg. Wow, what is that vintage car near Tidal Park? Will they have mutta puff at Niya bakery? Where are mutta puffs made? Are they made by one big same factory? Is the Tamil Nadu run by a bakery mafia?

Puff and cream bun mafia men masquerading as money lenders and robbing the innocent

This theory aims to prove that apple eating in an auto can never be a silly exercise as it helps one literally and figuratively mull over the fruits that life gives us. It is likely that Newton too came up with e=mc² while sitting at the back of an auto travelling between Maryland and Portland as these are the only two places I know in USA. Apple auto eating is a deep, thought provoking experiment.

Observation

During the hour-long experiment, I noticed that my thoughts regularly veered in many different directions as the waxy apple waned in size. Besides my understanding of the bakery mafia operations in the city, I contemplated the following in the apple’s different stages.

Beginning

• Many people wake up and cycle along the ECR stretch. This is a deliberate act of vanity that active cyclists undertake. Especially because they can be seen wearing lots of hideous neon.
• Dogs are surely not going to be thinking of a single thing while eating apples in autos as they are the kindest form of dumb.
• The Tamil Nadu government has deliberately ghettoised the poor of the city by throwing them into poor quality housing at Perumbakkam- making them travel long distances to earn a decent wage.

Middle

• How many days will it take me to eat at every single eatery and restaurant along OMR? Can and should I become an exclusive ECR-OMR food blogger. Will Irfanviews become my friend and do a biriyani interview with me someday?
• Our days become automatically better if we have a good potty in the morning.
• Am I smart enough to understand how GPS works? I doubt it.
• What is the dynamic between all the employees at the all-women run Taj in Chennai? Are they upholding patriarchal notions of hierarchy that exist and run capitalistic institutions or is it a feminist uthopia?

End

• If I meet with an accident, should I send some pretend philosophical last words via text to Vasanth so that when people make Netflix documentaries about my life after realising that I am a literary genius, I sound cool?
• I love you dangerous baby, naan endrum unnidam kaidhi, news channel sollume seidhi, ow wowowow, Kadhal website ondruuuuuuu yeaaaaaaa.
• 13 minutes till I let go of the dead apple in my hand.

Almost done apple

Result

It is impossible to stop contemplating life biting into a crunchy red apple. As the juice dribbles and your hands become sticky sweet, thoughts actively pierce through the mind, making an hour-long auto ride, full of nothing and everything.

Precautions

• Bumpy roads might cause parts of apple skin to get stuck in mouth.
• Segregate waste as shown in photo.

Sources of error

Author of piece’s brain.